The Fat Lazy Shit Day.

I am sitting in bed and it's 32c outside.

I'm not ill, I am blessed with a pair of legs and I haven't even been working that hard (or at all, for that matter). I'm just having what I call a:

 'FAT LAZY SHIT DAY'

A FAT LAZY SHIT DAY is a day in which one has the ability to eat like a horse and do nothing but watch re-runs of terrible TV. It is necessary to have one of these days roughly once a fortnight.

Rules of FAT LAZY SHIT DAY:

Rule 1:  No one else should be present.

The thing about FAT LAZY SHIT DAY is that one can embrace all of the following: eating rubbish and feeling disgusting, smelling of bed, having shocking hair and occasionally even parping. In most social situations this is usually unacceptable, therefore the removal of other people is necessary for the up most enjoyment of said day.

later...

even later..er

Rule 2: One must attempt to move as little as possible for the entire duration of FAT LAZY SHIT DAY.

The day is not lazy if you are doing squat thrusts after each man-sized Mars bar. Only small movements to the mouth are required. I do suggest a small amount of effort to place pillows in the correct fashion around your body, but once this is in place and the 'FAT SHIT' is distributed around the pillows, no further movement should be necessary.

Exception to Rule 2:*

Sadly, when eating FAT SHIT and drinking even FATTER SHIT, one's body occasionally ruins FAT SHIT DAY by wanting to expel food in the forms of poo and wee wees.

This causes trauma to the individual involved in said day:

 1. DENIAL 

2. ANGER 

3. BARGAINING 

4. DEPRESSION 

5. ACCEPTANCE 

Suggestions: be as close to the bathroom as possible; find a friend who is in the medical profession to fit you a catheter. 

Rule 3: Stock up heavily prior to the occasion.

Adhere to your social calendar and work out when you have the capacity for a FAT LAZY SHIT DAY.

Once this has been done, make sure you are ready for the day by filling up your stocks of fizzy drinks, popcorn, chocolate, cheese, those weird sausages that are so full of pigs ears and arseholes that they look like anaemic fingers...


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Thank you for reading. I hope you all have the knowledge for a positive experience on your next day of fat laziness.

Please enjoy FAT LAZY SHIT DAY responsibly.

Next person who sneezes on me, I will punch you in the face.

Now I'm no advocate for violence.

I've only been in one fight in my life. And that was when I was fourteen and someone said a snide comment so I pushed them lightly and then ran away.

On the rare occasions that anyone attempts to fight me, usually because I've said something stupid, which I previously thought was hilarious and they have overheard me, I usually try and win them over with my offhand charm and wit.

But there's one time where I would happily get up on someone's grill.

And that's when people forcibly spread their germs in my direction.

I'm no hypochondriac, but it's cold outside. I've already had roughly ONE MILLION colds this winter. I don't want another one. So please, do not come into my personal area and hack that cough or spray out that sneeze without any barrier between me and the green little bugs coming from your face.


Glad I could express that.

Merry Easter

Merry Easter to one and all!

I'm going to keep hold of the pagan obsession with eggs and chicks and not give you a picture of Jesus but give you this instead:

Fuck You, Snow

This morning I woke up with an anger unknown to most sensible human beings.

It was intense and has not been relieved all day. And that is because there is no way of removing the thing which has caused me such great sorrow. Because, dear readers, it's the weather.

Snow, in late March (yes I know, please do not get me started) has decided to rock up and spray its white shit all over my crib, my car; even my cat if it stands still for more than twenty seconds.

And you know what? I'm taking a stand.

I refuse to enjoy this snow. This snow will hold no magic or wonder for me.

This snow will not pressurise me with its softness to sit in it and make angelic shapes.

This snow will not cause me to spend hours battling with the elements to make a snowman which looks nothing like an actual human being.

This snow will not be 'pretty, lovely' or 'just super!'

This snow will be disgusting, annoying and plain pointless.





So, with that, all I have left to say is: 

Fuck you snow, fuck you.