Thursday, 30 January 2014

The Fat Lazy Shit Day.

I am sitting in bed and it's 32c outside.

I'm not ill, I am blessed with a pair of legs and I haven't even been working that hard (or at all, for that matter). I'm just having what I call a:

 'FAT LAZY SHIT DAY'

A FAT LAZY SHIT DAY is a day in which one has the ability to eat like a horse and do nothing but watch re-runs of terrible TV. It is necessary to have one of these days roughly once a fortnight.

Rules of FAT LAZY SHIT DAY:

Rule 1:  No one else should be present.

The thing about FAT LAZY SHIT DAY is that one can embrace all of the following: eating rubbish and feeling disgusting, smelling of bed, having shocking hair and occasionally even parping. In most social situations this is usually unacceptable, therefore the removal of other people is necessary for the up most enjoyment of said day.

later...

even later..er


Rule 2: One must attempt to move as little as possible for the entire duration of FAT LAZY SHIT DAY.

The day is not lazy if you are doing squat thrusts after each man-sized Mars bar. Only small movements to the mouth are required. I do suggest a small amount of effort to place pillows in the correct fashion around your body, but once this is in place and the 'FAT SHIT' is distributed around the pillows, no further movement should be necessary.

Exception to Rule 2:*

Sadly, when eating FAT SHIT and drinking even FATTER SHIT, one's body occasionally ruins FAT SHIT DAY by wanting to expel food in the forms of poo and wee wees.

This causes trauma to the individual involved in said day:

 1. DENIAL 


2. ANGER 

3. BARGAINING 

4. DEPRESSION 

5. ACCEPTANCE 
Suggestions: be as close to the bathroom as possible; find a friend who is in the medical profession to fit you a catheter. 


Rule 3: Stock up heavily prior to the occasion.

Adhere to your social calendar and work out when you have the capacity for a FAT LAZY SHIT DAY.

Once this has been done, make sure you are ready for the day by filling up your stocks of fizzy drinks, popcorn, chocolate, cheese, those weird sausages that are so full of pigs ears and arseholes that they look like anaemic fingers...


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Thank you for reading. I hope you all have the knowledge for a positive experience on your next day of fat laziness.

Please enjoy FAT LAZY SHIT DAY responsibly.




Saturday, 25 January 2014

How to do the splits and Australian's riding sharks

So whilst I'm in the land of the beautiful (Australia) I have decided that I should no longer hold back my potential and have what is called a 'TALENT.'

You see at the moment, when I look at a guitar the strings just break, I sing like a hyena and dance like Prince Charles seducing Camilla after too many whisky and pineapples.

Saucy.

I have so often wondered what it would be like to be one of those talented people; picking up numerous instruments and being able to 'just jam a bit of Beethoven,' paint like Picasso or sing like Birdie.

Being in Australia does not help my lack of any talent either.      

You see Australian people have a tendency to do things like this: 


Vs me: 
Vs Me: 


Vs me: 


So as you can imagine, having no skills or talents comes as a minor set back. 

It started on New Years Eve.

I was drunk, yup, and had just seen an annoyingly fit person with no cellulite ANYWHERE do another perfect 'worm'.
This was the breaking point. I put my foot down, feeling my pale leg wiggle wobble as I did it and said:
'I'm gonna (hic) learn how to do the splits.' 

So after the hangover left me a few days later, I got straight on to YouTube.  

I was wearing my best, roomiest pjs and locked the door to my room -just incase I didn't look as elegant as I anticipated. 

 I did a few stretches that I learnt in yr. 8 P.E and simultaneously googled 'splits for beginners' - bendy and multi tasking. Easy. 

I click on one which looks utterly perfect - 'super easy splits for beginners :-) ' - the girl, 'PrincessBallerina1**<3' must be about 12, crazy talkative; American.

It starts off with her chilling on the floor, her legs crossed. I follow suit, hearing my knees crack only a little. 

Then this child shows the first 'beginner' move. 

Holy shit.



She is no longer cute or a child. She is a groin ruiner-er. She may as well have just come out of YouTube and kicked me in the hoo-ha repeatedly. 

After the six minute video I am currently one inch more bendy than I was and in roughly a million times more pain than when I woke up. 

And I walk all funny. 

But I will not be defeated by a child and her Barbie like groin. 

In three months I aim to be as bendy as a a Chinese gymnast who can eat coco pops from a bowl on her arse. 

Ill keep you informed.... 



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